猜不透 I could not figure it out

猜不透
你最近时好时坏的沉默
我也不想去追问太多
让试探为彼此的心上了锁

猜不透
相处会比分开还寂寞
两个人都只是得过且过
无法感受每次触摸
是真的 是热的

如果忽远忽近的洒脱是你要的自由
那我宁愿回到一个人生活
如果忽冷忽热的温柔是你的借口
那我宁愿对你从没认真过

到底这感觉谁对谁错
我已经不想追求
越是在乎的人越是猜不透

Collapsing

How to hold back my tears? I m trying...
我很痛苦~怎么办？
我要怎么去承担这一切？
我要怎么去面对？

伪装很辛苦~不想让家人担心~
在爸妈面前一直要强颜欢笑
很怕下一秒眼泪就会掉下
不敢再逗留家里多几天，很怕被家人发觉
一个人在这里一直胡思乱想，我过得很不好，真的很不好
爱一个人可以很幸福但越是幸福就越是害怕失去
他曾说过“dun worry, no matter what happen, I'll always by ur side"
也会在忙碌了一整天没有见到我然后sms说只想告诉我他想我。。。
很美好的回忆，我会永远记在心里
我还是爱你的

Friendship Forever

最近都因为分房间的事情懊恼，唉。。终于明白很多事情不是自己希望的就能够如愿。之前我们还很天真地以为可以一起住在同一楼。把一切都想得很美好。但是毕竟事实是残酷的。终究还是以分数的高低来安排。分数高就能有权利主宰一切的安排。虽然很不甘愿，但我也没办法，只能忍气吞声地接受事实。我知道我的分数很低，但是分数低就没有权利开口发表我的想法吗？朋友对我来说是非常重要。


其实还蛮生气为何我的sport得到那么不理想的分数。我对sport的付出比对comm的付出还要多，多了很多很多倍，可是分数却是comm给的一半。我参加了5个commitments而且多数都是major,只有一个是minor。我感觉我时间和精神上的付出得到的却不是我想要的结果。其实她们都已经在心里分好了每一层该住的人了，不是吗？那么还需要我们来开会干吗？我感觉我只是去听被派到哪一层楼而已。


凯佳，我知道你因为我们4个好朋友无法住在一起而感到内疚和难过。但是说真的，我们并不怪你，因为很多东西不是你想要这样就可以如愿以偿。我们都很开心因为你是真心打从心里宝我们当好姐妹好朋友。今天凌晨3.15收到你的信息，我看了很感动也很激动。我无法再入眠。你们也知道，我曾经失去一段对我来说很重要很宝贵的友情，而且是因为爱情而失去。现在的我不希望再重蹈覆辙。我不想因为爱情而失去可贵的友情。我希望可以balance得很好。凯佳，你在信息里提到会跟我们比较好会想要跟我们住是因为我们比较单纯没有心机，跟我们在一起比较自在比较开心。我看到这一段我的眼泪就在眼睛里打转，有股想要哭的感觉。本来我的心情平复了可是却还是忍不住感动了。我觉得我这个人很情绪化。也很sentimental。我可以为了很小的事情而感动或者情绪波动。因为你们对我来说都是重要的人。也许偶尔我在你们面前情绪失控，或者得罪你们的地方，我希望你们可以原谅我。我这个人精神大条，有时候得罪了人讲错了话都不知道。真的希望你们明白。友情是一件很简单的事情。并不需要特地或故意去制造一些假象。虽然不能住在一起，但是也只有两层楼的差别。就像现在的我，可以为了朋友几乎常常搭电梯到三楼和她们一起洗澡聊天。旁人看起来好像很白痴，可是对我来说一点都不费神，一点也不麻烦。以后你可以常来找我们啦。我们这楼应该是很清静的。哈哈。别忘了我们的秘密基地，还有约定好要当永远的好朋友和姐妹。我爱你们，真心爱你们。真的希望可以证明友情也是能够到永久的。



其实我很不明白一些人，明明很坚持某一些东西，但是last minute就故意改变主意让大家乱了阵脚。这样很好玩吗？明明可以皆大欢喜，为何就不能大家都让步？我不明白。年纪比较大的人不是比较成熟一些吗？对不 起，请原谅我的愤怒，因为被耍的心情并不好受。我这个人是比较直接的，喜怒哀乐都会浮现在表情里。我不喜欢掩饰自己的心情。做人那么复杂干吗？为什么就不能简单一点？直接把想要的何不想要的说出来很困难吗？看我们白忙了一场，紧张了一番，就感到很爽很开心吗？做人应该是这样的吗？我一直很尊敬的长辈竟然一瞬间让我觉得很失望。


这世上什么种类的人都有。也许我真的还是个未见过世面的小孩。我会努力接受一切残酷的事实。提起勇气走下去。爱情、友情和亲情，我都希望可以把它们持续到永久。因为它们在我心里都是最重要最珍惜的。我爱你们。

Happiness+Tired

It's really unlucky these few days...Y i fall sick? sienz...Got a lot of stuffs have to be done...final exam is around the corner too...no time for me to rest n slack anymore. A few days ago, I just felt sore throat...I thought it was just a trivial prob...but one day later..I began to sneeze...then I got flu...half day later...my coughing started to annoy me...It's really irritating...I can feel my throat damn itchy but I can just do nth~ At night, my headache made me could not go to bed. These annoying illness torture me until now~ I planned to study and do book review today. No more slacking anymore. But I really dun have strength to do anything...just feel wanna lie on the bed for the rest of the day...my stomachache starts to torture me somemore...Am I that unlucky one? sigh~


Haiz...I broke le...$$$$$$$$$$$$$...no money for my 3 meals..I.always borrow from sis/bro...guilty...the expenses here is very high...haiz...a bit regret to waste so much money b4...damn sienz...sometimes feel wanna eat smth delicious...but no money~suddenly feel wanna eat megabite...it is just a simple meal rite? but I still dun have money 2 eat megabite...damn cui la~I tot I have time to do part-time job during my 3 months vacation...but i heard siew wei said we suppose to start costume jobs after our exam...no time to do part-time job le..i wanna give tuition le...wanna earn some pocket money...wanna survive for the rest of this sem!!


The situation seems turn to another way round...It's getting better...I can feel what is he thinking about clearly recently...and he seems know how 2 show his concerns d...It's rarely he done so many things..now he has changed to another person...lolx...very sweet too...but still a bit xx...lolx...nvm~ I also have my own weak point so I still can accept his weak point..really very xx lo...haha~after we got tgt, I can feel I also changed a lot...shud be changed to better? I hope so. No more kid-like behavior! but sometimes I still do it out of my control...However, I have tried to minimise it...hehe~






21st March is his birthday...I prepared some special gifts to him...That was also my first time to make stuffs by myself...cuz I used to BUY presents...seldom do by myself..LAZY! haha...so Bar Yong Lee, u r the lucky one ok! The photos above were the presents for his 22nd birthday~lolx...but the bigger photo frame accidentally fell onto the floor...so there are a few cracks on it...wuwuwuwu..heart pain pain...but nvm la..still can c our face clearly...hahaha~ hope our happiness can last as long as it could be...I hope can be lasting 4ever...Thanks for the happiness u giving to me..I feel very happy these few days...Thanks for doting on me and missing me...Thanks for the everything u done to me...

It's time to do something

I have thought carefully...I could not sleep ytd nite...where is the prob? am I suppose to do smth to improve myself~ I know I m not the perfect gal, there are still a lot of things I need to learn and explore~ As what others think abt me, I'm still a kid...seriously,I quite sad~ I m going to be 21 yrs old soon...going to be an adult...but y? y I'm still a kid? in some sense, I admit, honestly. immature...kid...all of these kind of words keep bothering me...I really wanna to be a better one, to be more mature, I did try my best, but I'm still failed ytd, and I did it without my intention. And I duno I have offend him cuz I said some childish stuffs in front of him. I duno I have agitated him. Am I really that stupid?

Actually, I want him can be happy everyday. I wanna bring joy and happiness to him and not anger. Both of us dun like 2 quarrel. Therefore, one of us will apologise 1st when we met some probs. I admit I m in fault most of the time. But I'm not that kind who dun wish to apologise if I were in fault. Everytime I admit my faults and seriously promised wanna kick these bad habits and also weak points which could be irritated him. when he was angry with me, I seriously care abt it so much. Cuz I cherish him and I wanna both of us get along well in peace. But so far, we din really quarrel actually, only argue over some matter.

I admit I always angry over some trivial matters. I m petty sort. I know my weak points. So I m doing my best to overcome this weak point and hope can be a better one FOR HIM. Love, is not a game. Since I have decided to take this boat, I will do my best to make myself safe in this boat forever. cuz keep changing the boat is quite tiring . He makes me feel wanna spend the rest of life with him. I know I say smth like this is really very stupid and 天真, but I really have this intention. He lights up my life. He makes me lead a different life. I never thought I could be not being pampered anymore. I never thought I willingly to sacrifice smth just for him. I'm always the passive one. But I will do smth special for him of my own accord. Love someone seriously can make myself and even him happy. When doing smth for the one u love, u won't feel sen fu but happy. cuz i m enjoying in it.

Recently, there are a lot of ppl falling in love...hahaha..actually I'm very happy to c them either having crush on someone or starting to be couple...or aimei-ing...haha...it's quite enjoyable rite guys? hahaha...I know u well...actually it's quite good to have such things happened. It brings different surprises or emotion to someone. And it also bring qi dai for u rite...it's quite good. I really hope everyone can get their own happiness. I like 2 know ppl's love stories and even how are their progresses? Hope there are getting much more good news in Sheares Hall! Good luck to u guys and girls la~No matter what, I support u k? Good frenz^.^

I m sick...sienz...cuz mid-term is coming! but nvm..it's not serious anyway...just headache and stomachahe...maybe sleep too much or sleeping disorder? not sure...but my head very painful today..and i was alone in my room...sigh...nobody I can go to...cuz many ppl were outside..but thanks to zuojin cuz gave me some pills and also dapao lunch for me...but anyway, I din eat the medicine..cuz I hate the bitter taste! It's making me unbearable when I put the pill inside my mouth><" I spent the whole day alone..almost la..not really alone..he is busy today.. But he still find me when he is free, even though it's only one minute for resting, he was still come to c me and went back to carry on his works. I feel blessful actually even though some unhappy things happened...but I know we will try our best to overcome those trivial probs..shud be trivial rite.. It's really not easy 2 maintain a relationship...It's a truth for everyone and every relationships..so I swear I wanna kick my bad habits and also eliminate my childish thinking asap otherwise our prob is still exist. I m the prob actually. I m not a good gal. Dunno how 2 spare a thought for bf...But I know I m improving...hehe..quite happy I can improve myself...I always wanna to be a princess but I know this kind of things won't happen in real life. sometimes we need to face the reality. cannot let myself keep indulging in the fantasy. ya, it's time for me to do smth for others and fu chu rite...

another thing I wanna mention is..YeeVoon, thanks for accompanying me when I was down and I need someone by my side... sometimes those pieces of advices u gave me I seriously appreciate them... Frenship is also another relationship we need to cherish...it's also not easy to maintain a frenship too..I have a lot of frens but there are really just a few good bossom frens...知己难寻啊...And 'Hiroko', try to pull urself up asap k...I worry about u these few days...stop brooding over it k...there are always a bunch of nice guys waiting for u...lolx...Haiz...my mid-term test is around the corner, I will do my best to sit for the tests. honestly, I m very 'bia' these few days...keep mugging...no time 2 watch dramas also...wuwuwu..sienz...cuz i feel sinful if I din study for the whole day... too tired...I have to replenish my energy! and make myself more healthy...i jog recently...yeevoon and also my dear acc me jogging..it's miserable when I m jogging but I feel good after I have finished jogging...I wanna keep on making my life healthy! Say no to PANDA eyes!!!

幸福背后

“越是幸福越害怕　怕它会结束　越拥抱　却越是孤独 没人了解的寂寞　我自己照顾 不想让你发现我　凌乱的脚步　我努力　跟上你的速度 不再独自感受　那幸福背后藏的辛苦”

这首歌的歌词我觉得很不错。。尤其是那句越是幸福越害怕，害怕它会结束。其实我是很快乐的。但是我觉得最近的自己越来越不像自己。以前的我不知道逃到哪里去了。我必须现在把我的心情写下来，否则我真的很不能专心。最近的生活很糟糕，有时候晚上都没有睡，早上睡到下午。感觉我再浪费时间，浪费我的人生。这样的生活真的很累，生理时钟完全颠倒。但是晚上真的很难入眠。LIFE SUCKS。。。我希望以前的我能够回来。

以前的我都是被宠的，很任性像个公主，要什么有什么，现在的我呢。。。不是说我要的得不到，也许我的要求很多，当失去一些些东西，或者是得不到我想要的要求我就觉得很不顺心。现在的爱情跟以前的很不一样。当然我知道爱情不能作比较。他有他的好。他成熟，也教会了我很多东西，我确实学到了很多。但是总觉得有什么不对劲的地方。曾在爱情里被伤害过的人或许就不回再像以前那样疯狂地去爱一个人吧。所以我必须理解他这一点。也或许我的幼稚和他的成熟成了对比，而让我感觉自己像个傻瓜。

我不喜欢小气的自己，不喜欢那么粘人的自己，不喜欢那么爱吃醋的自己，很怕有一天这些都变成了习惯，而让他觉得腻了怎么办。现在的我太幸福了，幸福到很害怕失去现在所拥有的一切。我是不是应该要克制自己。我想要什么都不去想。很多时候因为我的幼稚而让他生气了。我想要快点长大。我想要什么都不介意。想要不再小气不再吃醋。不再让占有欲变得更强。我相信我做得到吧。。。但当我做得到的时候，我很怕我那个热恋的感觉就结束了。呵呵。女人的头脑到底在装什么。。。我现在能做的就是尽量不让彼此吵架，所以到现在我们都没吵架过。他不容易生气。也蛮体贴。

现在的我是谁？我不喜欢这样。我不喜欢太爱一个人的感觉。让我觉得自己很没用。付出再多没关系，只是害怕失去。我真的很难搞叻。也许拥有很多朋友的他让我倍感压力。我的朋友没有那么多，所以有空闲时间都会空出来给他。但我并不能称自己是他的女朋友就随心所欲地去找他。因为很多时候他的朋友会在他的房间，或是很多时候他的朋友都会找他很需要他。他。。。确实并不是我一个人的。这是事实，我必须接受。不明白为什么很多人说我抢走了他？难道就不可以是他来找我吗。。。也许我住的楼层不起眼，所以每次他来找我，大家都不知道吧。很压力。

每次我都害怕自己说出小孩子的话，很怕自己作出小孩子的举动，而惹他生气。做什么都要限制自己，控制自己，还蛮辛苦的。因为我不再能随心所欲地说话。去找他之前还要想很多。而别人找男朋友时，都不需要顾虑那么多，因为女朋友有那个权利。那我的权利呢？在一起之前，或许是他比较爱我，而在一起后变得很平均，因为我的爱增加了。呵呵。像个傻瓜一样，什么都不知道，无厘头地就往深坑里面陷进去。

因为太幸福所以觉得害怕。因为学业搞得很不好所以更害怕。因为作息变得不稳定让我很担心。我必须好好努力读书了，不想辜负家人对我的期望。爱情和学业是两回事。我必须理智，好好地为我的将来奋斗。伴侣只是我人生的一部分。

Our First Valentine's day 2009

Yo...I just came back...very tired today...but very happy...he has given me a lot of surprises...I really thought he does nothing for the valentine and maybe only a gift...but I really can feel his sincerity and his romantic characters...put a lot of effort on our first valentine's day... Both of us slept until very late of morning...we set off at 12 pm...before we going out,he brought a red rose and wear a super nice clothes and jeans...wow...my first impression about his dressings is....leng zai...lol^.^i rarely have chances to c him wear nice shirt...like attending dinner....haha~but i felt happy when he dressed up himself~

then we met beien and xuehai at level one so we went out tgt...our first double date...they are very sweet...of cuz i also excited for our first officially dating...some more it was our first valentine's... Our first station is Vivo City...They had lunch in Mache' Restaurant...my noob dear called it is Machi Restaurant...><"soooo noob!Then we had lunch in Kim Gary...wow...quite a lot of ppl...but it's worth to wait...cuz the food there are very delicious...I like the Yuan Yang so much...and the baked spagetthi with beef steak...made me very full...and of cuz we have a lot of topic...and keep chatting...he is very funny...a lot of jokes..and of cuz he was very sweet and caring...ya,i admit i m like a child n still not that mature as him~that's y he always the one who taking care of me...

After that, we went to Sentosa...wow...damn crowded!! We walked across the Southern Bridge and climbed a high staircase><"



but i like the feel of standing on the top of it...the warm and the peace he gave me made me unforgettable~it was a windy day...It can made me at ease...and feel peaceful...after that, we walked on the beach...finally sit down and lied down on the beach...quiite dirty...haha...but I still very happy...we saw the sky tgt...observed the ppl around us...and talked a lot of craps...and then dear carried me to walk on the seaside...haha..I m damn heavy rite...I must diet la...or else dear will be very pitiful...haha..i've gainned weight...cannot carry on gainning weight!!

then we met xuehai and beien again~we took a lot of pics...damn funny...haha~I like those pics..


finally we have our own photos d...so happy~~ Then we hang around until 7 pm,after that, we went to Clarke Quay and had dinner in a Japanese Restaurant...quite nice...I had ordered beef and teriyaki chicken set meal and dear ordered teriyaki chicken set meal~quite full la...and also made fun of the waiter...poor thing~~hehehe...Then xuehai and beien separate with us...so me n dear just sat beside the river...on the staircase...

it was such a nice and wonderful nite...watched the sky without any stars...ya...this is the shoulder i wana lean on it...after tonite,I have sense of security...we HTHT too...so i can understand him more now...understand what is him thinking~and also heard some true words that he wanna tell me..it's rarely that he would sentimentally talking to me~finally i know he cares about me a lot...really love me from the bottome of his heart...trust him now...there is no doubt about his sincerity now...even though we all cannot make the promises for our future...but we can try our best to maintain our relationship...he loves me...i can feel it finally...

Then we came back to hall...and he brought another present for me..I was surprised by him! there are motives that he wanna take pic with me tgt and wanna 4R size...and of cuz some 1R size which can put into the wallet i given to him as valentine's present. he bought a nice photo frame and put the photo i chose into the frame right away~and then i was surprised by a nice-looking and lovely box...inside the box,i saw the star and the love shape stuffs which made by himself...these are the sincerity and the romantic behaviour i can feel from him~and also a love letter which touched my heart~i love the chinese characters he wrote at the last line...so cute~and lovely! cuz he dun really know how 2 write chinese words...he learnt it by himself...that's y i feel it's touching~



Even though there is a very troubling problem we have to overcome...but i dun think it might affect our relationship now...but maybe could affect my studies...cuz it is really bothering me...i feel quite miserable when i saw those irritating msgs...i have to resettle this matter...cuz this matter made my dear worries and unhappy sometimes...Love cannot be forced by someone...I know who I m loving now..."'You' are my present tense and also future continuous tense.." I like this phrase which heard by dear...ya...we shud trust each other and give each other freedoms...I must be fair to him,cannot drag that prob anymore..must chop chop settle in these few days...JiaYou!