Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Love is so pathetic

I feel so vexed and upset. He just told me he don't like to see me unhappy, he would feel upset too. In that case, why did he still do something to make me unhappy? I still have to smile and pretend that I was fine in front of others. I do not like to hide my inner feeling, if u know me well, u would know that I am a person who do not know how to hide my expression and emotion but I got no choice at that situation. It's impossible that I give a glum look in front of others and spoilt their mood right?

However, there is a hole and wound inside my heart right now. I thought it would recover after one night but it is still there to keep reminding me about what happened yesterday. We communicate about this kind of problem umpteen times and even the same thing happened half year ago, but it happened again yesterday. I thought he would remember what he promised me, I seriously trust him so I never worried about it would happen again yesterday. However, his action proved me wrong. He is still the one when he was single. I totally disappointed for what he did yesterday.

I never told him I was upset and I angry over that cuz we talked about it umpteen times but he still never changed. Likewise he could be tell me off back for my childish thinking. I dare not to think what will happen after I telling him about it. But it is obviously that he do not care about me, most of my close friends know I was in bad mood but he never show his concern and even worry about me. I've found it a little odd.

I admit that he really changed a lot for me but I don't like he breaks promise! He even promised he would not touch girls or have any intimate behavior. I am his girlfriend, I thought I have the right to request for him about it, well, chee mei, wake up to your senses!!! It's just your wishful thinking!!! I hate seeing myself in this poor state, like good-for-nothing!!! But I care about it, why? Am I too immature? Should I be more open-minded in such case? But girls, be frankly, would u mind ur boyfriend touch other girls and have intimate behavior with girls? or do u mind ur boyfriend breaks promise to you?

When you love someone, you would naturally would not touch girls/guys unless got special case or situation like competition or games. But if u can choose not to do it, then why not? Why would you want to hurt ur love one? Why would u still do it without considering or caring others' feeling? Am I wrong to have such thinking? It's gullible to believe boyfriend's promise, I find myself funny, like a laughing stock.

Does he seriously love me? I am struggling whether want to tell him about my feeling now. But sometimes I feel I got no right to ask for anything since he does not love me that much. It's like he would leave me anytime. Am I too pessimistic? Well, I just want to have mentally prepare for such thing happens. It's a solitary life to me, why? I thought I could be happy and blissful together with him but the difference of our thinking is still a big gap which is an obstacle of our relationship.

It's not the life I want. Lynne told me that if u really love a person, u will accept what he is, but i find myself still could not accept his thinking about such kind of intimate behavior is so-called social life. Am I too selfish? What can I do now? There is nothing I can do. This is my destiny, my life. How I wish there is someone who is sincerely treats me good and makes me happy, the most important thing is he can lighten up my life.

I am so vexed and could not concentrate to do anything else. How I wish I am a playful and flirty girl so that I would not be so vexed now. How I wish I am a perfect woman so that he do not have the chance to make fun of me. Love is so pathetic. It does not worth to be deeply and get serious into a relationship. You will find yourself a childish person when you see yourself deeply falling in love with someone yet that person does not love u that much.


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