Sunday, September 16, 2012

Betraying mentally is much more miserable than betraying physically

Recently I watch "The Fierce Wife"(犀利人妻) drama as my friend(who also his friend) suggested me to watch it.
He says it will be useful for me to get through this period.

Yes, I can understand. I, myself, also make this kind of mistake in my life.
A person who fall in love accidentally with someone else, will never ever realized the mistake, won't admit and eventually push the fault to the other half.
The person will find the other half getting more annoying, and find the girl who suddenly appeared in his/her life more attractive and understand him.

He/She will start finding excuses to love the new one, I know, it's not on purpose, people just follow their heart and forgotten the other half who always stood by them.
When a person loving two persons at same time, eventually he will choose the latter, cuz if he loved the first one, he wouldn't fall in love with the latter.

He wouldn't admit it forever. But I could feel it when I was tgt with him.
His eyes when looking at her, is different from looking at me, it's so much gentler, and also keep searching where she is during the award lunch.
His expression is so much happier and blissful when sms with her, travel with her in Phuket, hang out with her.
His worries about her when in JB, when she got molested in MRT, when she wanna take MRT back around 9pm++...and so forth...
His sharing of McDonald promotion with her, instead of with me..
He keeps sms-ing when dating with me, when I was just stand beside him..
He keeps mentioning her in front of me which I find it miserable..but he looked so happy..
He requested me wear formally to work which exactly same as how she wears, but for my job, I don't need this, cuz working in lab..He just couldn't understand..

There were so much changes after he worked. We used to be really sweet and innocent couple.
Maybe it's just one-sided love from the beginning.
I felt the happiness and his cares, maybe he couldn't?

From the drama, I realized too much concerns for someone is just another kind of stress to him.
Too good to someone will make him more take it for granted. He wouldn't appreciate.
People likes 新鲜感。But I totally disagree with this.
We should learn to accept simple n plain life after 热恋期,and be loyal to our other half
We should not keep pursuing 新鲜感,like that how to settle down? how to build a healthy family?
I just want a healthy and simple family like what I possess from my parents now.
Or maybe I am too picky, making myself suffer.
I always fall in love with someone who doesn't suitable for me and I couldn't make them love me deeply too.
Maybe I should really choose someone who loves me more than I do.

Love cannot be forced. Betray mentally is much more serious than betray physically.
Well, I experienced both in my previous two relationships.
Now I realized, betray mentally makes me much more miserable, cuz he wouldn't come back to me.
His love, his concerns, his worries, his gentleness, his everything, even his body, also belong to her.
Well, for betray physically, he still come back to me cuz he still love me, concerns me,worry about me.
But of course, I wouldn't forgive both.

My life is so "happening". Any kind of hurts also happen to me and make me experience it.
Betraying is too horrible. My heart couldn't take it anymore.
I just want a simple love and life. I could feel that I do really grew up from this hurtful relationship.
It's too much for me, really... Please, no more please...

I just wish to be happy...

Saturday, September 15, 2012


Yesterday I visited a friend at her condo, we went to gym together.
She chatted with me and gave me some advices.
After that we went for groceries shopping with her bf tgt.
When I walked halfway, my slippers spoilt.
Her bf was very nice, let me wore his slippers and he walked on feet.
She was very happy that her bf is a kind and good person.
After groceries shopping, 3 of us cooked together.
Both of them good at cooking, though they bickered sometimes,
but to me, they are a sweet couple.
How I wish I could also find my true love.
A guy who willing to cook with his loved one, is really a wonderful man.
QiuPing, congrats! You have found a nice man, cherish him.

After the meal, I went back alone around 10pm ++.
Waited bus alone, listened to the musics in my phone alone, and felt the loneliness once again.
寂寞寂寞就好。Yes, I always console myself with this.
I can stand with my loneliness, I don't mind doing things alone, I can be independent.
It's just I don't like the feeling of losing something important in my life, and now it's with someone else.
It makes me even more lonely when I am alone.

I have been trying hard to occupy my time fully.
I don't wish to have extra time to remember those sweet memories.
And also the mistakes that both of us done.
He was wrong, but so do I. I also did something regretful and unforgivable.
Well, I really wish to move on... but how?


怕不怕被拒絕 怕不怕被省略

儘管你抱歉 懺悔
真心一旦墜跌 就不能飛

別指望我諒解 別指望我體會
快樂或傷悲 沒什麼分別
別指望我諒解 別指望我體會
太多的是非 來不及杜絕

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Break Down Again

I am sick today, not feeling well.
Just went to see doctor alone, bought my lunch alone, walked alone, listened to the music alone...
Even though I also doing these when attached, but the feeling now is much more miserable
No one to share with, my tears, my joy, my sadness, any kind of my feeling.
Used to have him as my companion, but now he is no longer belongs to me but someone else.

Once again, I am shedding tears while eating porridge. It's tasteless and plain, just like my heart.
I have been living like this for more than one month.
How to get through all these? How I wish I can get over it right now and move on.
I'd been trying hard to hang out with friends, teach tuition, work, read, chat with friends etc
But seems like I could not escape from this agony

I'd been pretending I am fine without him in front of him.
He concerned me as a friend, shared with me his progress with her
Do u know HOW SUFFER AND MISERABLE AM I when I listened to all these and even gave him advices?
I was so dumb, when can I really love myself more than anyone else?
We were so steady and sweet, even get along with each other's family well, thought of getting married with him too.
I love him so much, I regret that I put too much effort in this relationship.

I am not a fool, even if he denied the fact forever, I still trust my intuition and the truth I saw.
When the girl took initiative to attract his attention, he should resist and should not give themselves any chances to develop the feeling if he really want to commit our relationship.

If we were still dragging, I would be more miserable than now?
I have to be tactful all the times, be worrying about losing him everyday, dreamed of his leaving with another girl every night
Now, all these happened, nothing more for me to lose, and worry, should I see it as a positive thing?

Getting into a relationship is just too tired.
I have been hurt again and again..
Where is my Mr. Right in my life? If you appeared earlier, I wouldn't be so suffered right now as I wouldn't meet him and fall in love with him.
It's so hurtful.
Living in agony makes me doesn't feel like waking up anymore, don't want to talk and smile.

I want to gain back my REAL smile. But when..?

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