A Penny for My Thought 17/7/2012

There are so much uncomfortable and miserable feeling hidden underneath
But I have to force myself to keep all these feelings to myself
I do not want to publicize either but what way else I can express my feeling to the person concerned?
People tend to care about their face, image and reputation, but how about the person who always stood by you?

I do appreciate the good parts people given... I can accept any other weak points too
but if the weak point is the thing that hurt me so deep until all the happiness brought to me were buried,
this part of my life would become meaningless and all the efforts for the happiness will be ruin in vain

When saw almost halve of the photos were those I hate to see and I most scared to see,
my heart beat stopped for 1 second...
As I never expected the people I love so much, I care about so much, and I tolerate so much,
was the person who always minger with opposite sex friends and he was the only guy
People say that guy who always join girls' group looks "gay" and also very HamJi(Hamsap?)
I really do not want the people I love have such image to others 
It's not about the trust, it's not I worry that he will leave me
It's respect and fidelity to another half/relationship

There were so many people out there asked me about it
And most of the people saying that if they were me they will be upset and have no faith in this guy
Regardless how upset was I, I still have to pretend nothing JUST to protect his reputation and convince myself so that I can get rid of the fear hidden underneath since long ago

Could you really feel how hurt was that feeling? You couldn't. But I hope you could.
I don't know how many disappointments I have to collect to make myself leave you naturally 
Till the day that a sincerely guy who really know what both we should do to have a pleasant relationship appears in my life? Maybe yes. Maybe not. Nobody knows.

I know I have to focus on the positive parts. Yes, I did. I can accept any negative parts except for this. Do you really understand how hurtful is these actions to me? I know you did not do anything over the boundary, but both of us should aware of these intimate interactions with opposite sex friends, shouldn't we?

I am not controlling you. I just want to share with you the thing you do that make me annoyed and have negative feeling towards you. I don't want such feeling occur inside my heart. I do not want to leave you but I don't know how to make you aware of it naturally so that you won't feel that you are the only one who is right.

I am not the one who always wrong. Especially when majority agree with it, you should start to do soul research that whether the thing you did and you thought was really correct? When people reached the climax part of their life, they tend to neglect the feeling of the close people around them and start to enjoy the excitement with the new comers in their life. Those who always by their side, they would be taken for granted. 

Sometimes I have the urge to tell you how I feel when I saw those photos, but I still couldn't bring myself up
As I can foresee what will you answer and what will happen eventually
You will be the one who conquer and dominate and I am the one who say sorry to salvage the bad condition
Even if we patch up after the communication or so-called argument, the situation will be unfavorable to me
You will be cool and DAO me, group chat with your colleagues or friends
No more sweet talk to me or concerns to me

You always expect me to grow tough by myself
Yes, I could... if you also treat me nice naturally as usual
Don't keep changing your attitude towards me, it's really unbearable sometimes
Who am I to you? I feel the bomb underneath gonna burst anytime..anywhere..to anyone...

Love is blind.. But once fell in love, there is no turning back
Unless one of them was really broken heart and really couldn't stay strong in the relationship
I would still try..even though I really don't like to open one eye close one eye
but for the sake of our relationship, I have to do so.
Even though there was nothing happened actually, but I really find those photos caused my eyesore.
It's just an unpleasant feeling, it's not about trust.

TREAT THE PEOPLE THE WAY YOU WANT TO BE TREATED

If you really think that you will be alright when I do the same thing as yours...
Fine, I will just do. Sometimes keeping your face, will only lost your usual self and also your love ones...